Tag Archives: self love

Enjoy-Being-Alone

How To Enjoy Being Alone

It’s an interesting combination: Having a great fear of being alone, and having a desperate need for solitude and the solitary experience. That’s always been a tug of war for me. – Jodie Foster

 

Being alone can be difficult to those who are extroverted and love talking to people and sharing thoughts. Some people really have a difficult time with being alone and will ask someone to accompany them when doing short tasks like picking up groceries, picking up laundry, or grabbing take out. Since we are born we have to be watched, we need love, we need communion, and we continue to grow in social environments like school. It is even politically frowned upon to not have a spouse. It is in our culture and our society that make us feel uncomfortable to be alone. Of course this may be different for the introverts. They yearn the need to be alone with their thoughts, to have the freedom to do as they please.

Have you ever wondered why you are afraid to be alone? Why do we feel lonely when we don’t have company? Further more, why when we don’t have enough downtime alone, do we wish we were by ourselves?

Here are a few things I think can change your attitude about having some successful, happy, fulfilling, downtime:

It’s Healthy & Satisfying To Spend Time With Yourself – Studies show that most people stay in bad relationships because they are afraid to be alone. Being single doesn’t mean you are alone. It means you are open to possibilities of getting to know different people and possibly one day leading into a committed relationship, or not, it depends on what you are into. Spending time alone allows us to self reflect and pay attention to our needs, desires, and thoughts. It is healthy to digest the day and grow from things we experience. 

Enjoy YOU – I think it is important to be your own best friend. Yes, we need others and real best friends but I think it is equally important to enjoy the way you think, the things you love, and really take the time to do what makes YOU happy. I think we can over think loneliness and boredom, making us uncomfortable spending time by ourselves. If you don’t think you’re fun, why should anyone else think you are?

Pick Hobbies To Do Alone – If you love writing, bring a book with you to a public place. Pick up an instrument, attend a concert, roller blade, learn a language, or try something completely new. You’ll be surprised how exciting your own company can be and what new thoughts you will gain. 

Here is a Poem written by Tanya Davis. The video below is a recorded version of this poem that may make you see being alone in a different light. 

HOW TO BE ALONE by Tanya Davis

If you are at first lonely, be patient. If you’ve not been alone much, or if when you were, you weren’t okay with it, then just wait. You’ll find it’s fine to be alone once you’re embracing it.

We could start with the acceptable places, the bathroom, the coffee shop, the library. Where you can stall and read the paper, where you can get your caffeine fix and sit and stay there. Where you can browse the stacks and smell the books. You’re not supposed to talk much anyway so it’s safe there.

There’s also the gym. If you’re shy you could hang out with yourself in mirrors, you could put headphones in (guitar stroke). 

And there’s public transportation, because we all gotta go places. 

And there’s prayer and meditation. No one will think less if you’re hanging with your breath seeking peace and salvation.

Start simple. Things you may have previously (electric guitar plucking) based on your avoid being alone principals. 

The lunch counter. Where you will be surrounded by chow-downers. Employees who only have an hour and their spouses work across town and so they — like you — will be alone.

Resist the urge to hang out with your cell phone. 

When you are comfortable with eat lunch and run, take yourself out for dinner. A restaurant with linen and silverware. You’re no less intriguing a person when you’re eating solo dessert to cleaning the whipped cream from the dish with your finger. In fact some people at full tables will wish they were where you were.

Go to the movies. Where it is dark and soothing. Alone in your seat amidst a fleeting community. 
And then, take yourself out dancing to a club where no one knows you. Stand on the outside of the floor till the lights convince you more and more and the music shows you. Dance like no one’s watching…because, they’re probably not. And, if they are, assume it is with best of human intentions. The way bodies move genuinely to beats is, after all, gorgeous and affecting. Dance until you’re sweating, and beads of perspiration remind you of life’s best things, down your back like a brook of blessings.

Go to the woods alone, and the trees and squirrels will watch for you.
Go to an unfamiliar city, roam the streets, there’re always statues to talk to and benches made for sitting give strangers a shared existence if only for a minute and these moments can be so uplifting and the conversations you get in by sitting alone on benches might’ve never happened had you not been there by yourself

Society is afraid of alonedom, like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements, like people must have problems if, after a while, nobody is dating them. but lonely is a freedom that breaths easy and weightless and lonely is healing if you make it.

You could stand, swathed by groups and mobs or hold hands with your partner, look both further and farther for the endless quest for company. But no one’s in your head and by the time you translate your thoughts, some essence of them may be lost or perhaps it is just kept. 

Perhaps in the interest of loving oneself, perhaps all those sappy slogans from preschool over to high school’s groaning were tokens for holding the lonely at bay. Cuz if you’re happy in your head than solitude is blessed and alone is okay.

It’s okay if no one believes like you. All experience is unique, no one has the same synapses, can’t think like you, for this be releived, keeps things interesting lifes magic things in reach. 

And it doesn’t mean you’re not connected, that communitie’s not present, just take the perspective you get from being one person in one head and feel the effects of it. take silence and respect it. if you have an art that needs a practice, stop neglecting it. if your family doesn’t get you, or religious sect is not meant for you, don’t obsess about it. 

you could be in an instant surrounded if you needed it
If your heart is bleeding make the best of it 
There is heat in freezing, be a testament.

 

The-Key-To-A-True-Friendship

How To Trust & Recognize True Friendships

A friend is one that knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still, gently allows you to grow. – William Shakespeare

As we age we start to learn that most friendships don’t last forever. Even with all the later technology marketed as a tool for us to stay in touch with the world, we understand that we have our real friends and we have our internet friends. There are some people we click with and some people we don’t. No pun intended. As we meet new people from all walks of life throughout the years, some of them hurt us, disappoint us, betray us, and some of them stay close to us no matter if they live miles away. The truth is we are not all compatible with one another. In all relationships, we connect because we relate to one another in some form of fashion. As we grow, we change, and not everyone will change with us. This is totally okay and the sooner we understand this, the easier it will be to accept that we can’t hold onto all friendships we have made over the years. photo

Here are some things to consider about people & potential friendships:

Love has no expectations: In all situations, one should never expect anything from another person. Often times we naturally assume that people we are drawn to have the same intentions as we do. Rarely is that assumption ever true. We expect people to be loyal and have the same ideas we have but as individuals, we have different perspectives and different realities. Be sure to really get to know what drives and inspires someone before getting excited about their purpose in your life. Pay attention how they treat and speak to others. The less you expect, the easier it is to feel satisfied about the possibility without having them in your future.

Unconditional Love: True friends are unconditionally loving. Diversity is something that comes natural in friendship. No two people who connect will have all things in common. One friend can be excellent in finding a relationship while the other friend attracts all the wrong people. True friends will be there for one another no matter what flaws each other may have. No matter the circumstance, friendship is selflessly loving in an unconditional way.

Understanding: Did you know that love is a high degree of understanding? We may have our own ideas of what friendship is or what life means but wanting to understand takes strength, maturity, and real love. There will be plenty of times you won’t agree or see eye to eye with your friend and that is okay. However, having the intent to listen and understand where your friend is coming from makes room for growth and an everlasting bond. This also falls in line with forgiveness and acceptance.

Self Love & Loving Selflessly: If you could trust anyone who would it be? Maybe a parent, someone who is forever connected to you, but more often than not, we mainly trust ourselves. Why? Because we have our best interests at heart. We love ourselves. We put ourselves first. Loving yourself is a discovery that should be practiced and once you master self love, it enhances the way we love other people. It helps us love selflessly because we learn to take care of others as we would take care of ourselves. There is no jealousy, there is no competition, there is only love and a bond of people relating and being there for one another through thick and thin.

Trust takes time and so does friendship. Choose wisely and pay attention to who you are attracting in your life. Pay attention to the love they have for themselves, how they treat others,  or the journey they are taking to grow spiritually. Emotional intelligence is key for a thriving friendship. Some of us may grow apart, but there will always be those few who stick around forever. And Remember, When Life Gives You Lemons…

How To Recognize & Deal With An Abusive Person

One day I woke up to screaming and shouting. A woman who lived below me in my six floor apartment building was shouting to her sister, “I’m taking a shower, shut up!”, “Go ahead call mom”, “You’re a homeless dirty slob and everyone knows it”, “You haven’t taken a shower in two days”… It bothered me so much, I wanted to tell them I was going to call the police to try and stop the yelling.

Abuse is by far the most hurtful, addicting, contagious, and impulsive behavior to be accustomed to.  We all have been introduced to abuse one way or another and some of us become abusive as a result of it. Most of the time, abusers don’t know they are abusive because they have persuasive reasons they “believe” putting someone down, neglecting, hitting, or yelling negatively, is called for.

There are different forms of abuse, different definitions and different types.  In my opinion, abuse is the opposite of positive reinforcement, the opposite of support and is not the best way to convey love.

Here are some definitions of Abuse

Definitions of Abuse

To get inside of an abusers mind we must understand “why” this person is abusive, there are many reasons but mainly it is because someone has been abusive to them. Some people distance themselves, and other just copy and repeat. Let’s delve into it…

An abuser unaware of their abusive behavior will often try to relive their past in their present relationships. They take on negative habits in hurting others because of the way they feel about themselves. They want full control and often desire to dominate other people in order to feel powerful. There are many conditions in an unhealthy mind that contributes to what abusive people gain when they feel a sense of power. Some of them subconsciously believe having a sense of power means they are worth something great and in turn, aren’t fully aware of the pain they cause others.

Here are some characteristics of an abusive person:

Fantasies of Success: This abuser has fantasies of being rich, famous, or extremely successful and believe they would be if other people weren’t holding them back. Because of this belief, the abuser feel justified in getting back at them, which leads to abuse. The abuser will also put others down as a way to build up their own self esteem.

Blaming: This abuser will shift responsibility for their aggressive actions onto others, which allows the abuser to be angry at the other person for “causing” the behavior. For example: “If you would stay out of it while I am disciplining the kids, I could discipline them without hitting them.”

Making Excuses: Instead of accepting responsibility for their actions, the abuser will try to justify their behavior with excuses. For example, “My parents never loved me,” or “My parents beat me,” or “I had a bad day, and when I walked in and saw this mess I lost my temper,” or “I couldn’t let him talk to me that way, there was nothing else I could do.”

Redefining Their Behavior: The abuser may redefines the situation so that the problem lies not with the abuser but with others or the outside world. For example: The abuser doesn’t come home at 6 p.m. for dinner as prearranged; he or she comes home at 4 a.m. The abuser says, “You’re an awful cook anyway. Why should I come home to eat this stuff? I bet the kids wouldn’t even eat it.”

Making Fools of Others: This abuser combines tactics to manipulate others. The tactics include lying, upsetting the other person just to witness a reaction, and perhaps provoke a fight among others. The abuser may try to charm the person they want to manipulate, pretending to show a great deal of interest in and concern for that person in order to get on their good side.

Assuming Without Communicating: Abusive people often assume they know what others are thinking or feeling. Their assumption allows them to justify their behavior because they “know” what the other person would think or do in a given situation. For example: “I knew you’d be mad because I went out for a drink after work, so I figured I might as well stay out and enjoy myself.”

Emotional Dependence: Abusive individuals are usually very emotionally dependent on their spouse or anyone close to them. The result of their inner rage at being dependent means that the abuser acts in controlling ways to exert power and to deny their own weakness. One major symptom is strong jealousy and possessive actions, normally sexual in nature. The abuser will spend a great deal of time monitoring their spouses activities. The abuser lacks support in their relationships. Another sign of dependence is the effect of what happens when the abused person leaves the home because of the abuse. It is common for the abuser to make extraordinary attempts to persuade them to return.

Lying: The abuser manipulates by lying to control information. The abuser may also use lying to keep other people, including the victim, off-balance psychologically.

Uncompromising  Attitudes Towards The Opposite Sex:  Abusive spouses tend to have more inflexible beliefs about roles and functions of their spouses in the marriage. For example: A wife may expect the husband to over fulfill all the financial needs and household/parenting chores.

Dramatic Behavior:  Abusive people have trouble experiencing close, satisfying relationships. They substitute drama and excitement for closeness. Abusers find it exciting to watch others become angry, get into fights, or fall into a general uproar. Often, they’ll use a combination of tactics to set up an exciting situation.

Closed Off: The abusive person does not tell much about personal details and real feelings. The abuser is not open to new information about herself either, such as someone else’s thoughts about them personally. The abuser is secretive, close-minded and self-righteous. Abusers believe they are right in all situations.

Ownership: The abuser typically is very possessive. Moreover, the abuser believes that anything desirable should be owned by them. The abuser also believes they have the right to do whatever they want with anything that belongs to them. The same attitude applies to people. It justifies controlling others’ behavior, physically hurting them and taking things that belong to them.

Poor Anger Management: Individuals who have experienced a violent and abusive childhood are more likely to grow up and become spouse abusers. A person who sees violence as the primary method for settling differences as a child is not going to have very many alternate ways available to channel anger. A person without an everyday outlet for anger risks exploding toward the people closest to them.

Fragmenting: The abuser usually keeps the abusive behavior separate from the rest of their life. The separation is physical. For example, the abuser will beat up family members but not people outside the home. The separation is also psychological. It is not uncommon for an abuser to attend church Sunday morning and beat the victim Sunday night. The abuser sees no inconsistency in this behavior and feels justified in it.

Pride: As mentioned earlier, abusers generally believe they are better than other people and so don’t have to follow the rules that ordinary people do. That attitude is typical of convicted criminals, too. Each inmate usually believes that while all the other inmates are criminals, she is not. An abuser will display this pride by saying, “I don’t need counseling. Nobody knows as much about my life as I do. I can handle my life without help from anybody.

Self-glorification: The abuser usually thinks of herself as strong, superior, independent and self-sufficient. When anyone says or does anything that doesn’t fit this glorified self-image, the abuser takes it as an insult.

Inability To Express With Words: This type of person is rarely capable of true intimacy and may feel very threatened by the prospect of being open and vulnerable. Particularly when frustrated, the abusive person expects instant gratification from their spouse who is expected to “read” their mind and “know” what their mate wants. When the mate doesn’t know what is expected the wife may interpret this as meaning they do not really love them. Therefore with an abusive individual, rejection usually results in violence.

Vagueness: Thinking and speaking vaguely lets the abuser avoid responsibility. Example: “I’m late because I had to do something on the way home.”

We all have been a victim of some kind of abuse. Being involved with an abusive individual can be disheartening, dangerous, and confusing. Please practice patience with yourself and learn to love yourself, know your worth, and get help. If you have the option to have your own space, stay away from the abuser.  Be with family or get help. Be sure to think logically. You must understand this is a sickness, a mental health issue.

If you are dealing with an abusive situation try not to respond aggressively. Instead, find a way to make your exit. Until they get help for themselves, they will always desire to hurt you to feel better about themselves. If their abusive behavior is somewhat tolerable and you want to make an effort to resolve an issue, allow time to pass and talk it out. Discuss the desire to have a healthier relationship and suggest any kind of therapy. Inform them of the pain these situations cause you and the relationship without blaming them or putting them on the defensive side. If they agree by acknowledging and wanting to change, then offer them support, but if they continue, you will have to separate yourself from them.

Please remember that an abuser is typically dishonest and displays the characteristics above. In certain cases, it can take a year or so for an abusive person to show you this side of his or herself. If you are someone who is experiencing emotional or physical abusive, you must get help and find a way to get out of that situation. 

If you are a victim of abuse and have no one to talk to, please, go to Abuse Victim Hotline

woman

How to Love Yourself Without The Acceptance of Others

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”

 –  Gautama Siddharta, the founder of Buddhism, 563-483 B.C.

We start developing self conscious behavior as a child. We get concerned with how other people see us. We are concerned oh their judgement and what they say about us. We end up believing what people say, afraid that what they say about us is true. We start questioning ourselves.  Am I really unattractive? Do these clothes tell people that my parents are poor? Our thoughts get tainted by others immaturity. Meanwhile, kids and adults bully people because they were treated unkindly. People bully others because they are unsure of who they are and want to make others feel the same way. It’s a part of abuse and doesn’t come from love. Of course, as young people, we don’t understand that. Instead, we internalize this terrible behavior as the truth. When we hit our teenage years, our social life becomes extremely important and our appearance, both our personalities and physical appearance, matter most in our lives. We remember what people have said about us or  what we have come to think about ourselves.

Social Acceptance becomes the goal and primary goal. Being social (creating friendships and relationships with others), allows us to feel appreciated and helps us feel a part of something bigger. Naturally, we want people to care about us. We want to have someone be there to build us up. As adults we have a tendency to  practice this behavior with the people we get into an intimate relationship with. Some of us put pressure on our loved ones to show lots of appreciation. They want to be showered with compliments and if these needs aren’t met, one may feel awful about themselves. That is where the problem lies. You are responsible for making yourself feel amazing. One should love and respect themselves wholeheartedly. Only then can one love someone else the proper way. You will not be using someone to feel accepted. Instead, you will share the light and love you have for yourself with other people. You will attract beautiful people into your life and you will enjoy being alone during your down time. You will find yourself happier and you will not allow yourself to feel rejected by other people.

Here are some things you can do to practice self love:

Positive Affirmations: Purchase colorful index cards and research positive quotes or create them yourself. Jot down your accomplishments. Your favorite aspects of your personality. Put them up around your personal space and be sure to say them out load and read them daily.

Leave Negative People Behind: We tend to be reflections of the people we choose to be around. If you are used to feeling victimized, blaming others for your problems. If you feel down about where you are in life, if you don’t think highly of yourself, chances are you spend your time with people who have a similar mind set. Try spending your time with outgoing people. People who work towards their goals on a daily basis. People who respect others and progress in a positive light. Taking on a new mind set will be healthy for you. You will become inspired and speak differently about yourself. You will believe in your potential rather then focus on the negative. This positive change will transform into a habitual thing in time.

Create a Goal/Start a Hobby: Spending time on doing things you love is a healthy thing to do. Creating small goals or hobbies allow us to feel productive and helps keep our attention on positive things. Start a scrap book, take pictures, create a travel journal and go on small journeys or learn a craft. Be persistent and the final product will help you enjoy life. This also helps practice spending time with yourself. Volunteer in an area of interest and do activities that you never do. You will find that you enjoy your own company more and more each day.

Forget Past Failures & Forgive Yourself: Many people become obsessed with past failures. We reject ourselves for the mistakes we have made or how other people made us feel about ourselves. It is important to let it go. Every makes mistakes and in time, we move on from them. If we didn’t make any mistakes, we wouldn’t grow. Learn the lesson, forgive the past, and create your life a new.

Be Kind to Others: Hold the door for people, say good morning, lend someone a phone charger, make a joke with a stranger.  Send a anytime card to a family member. Whatever you do, do it with love. Smile often and you will see the difference in your day.

Find a Good Read: Inspirational books have been a favorite of mine. They are so positive and full of ways to see life in a different perspective. We may not have mentors or therapists and reading good books is similar to speaking to a wise person with a different point of view. Be sure to read daily.

Keep a Journal: Before you go to bed, write an entry about the best part of your day, the worst part of your day, and the best thing that came out of it. Be sure to end it with saying something amazing about yourself. Be sure to speak beautiful things into existence. Write about the things you want and believe it will happen. ie. I am proud of myself for how far I have came. I am more and more beautiful everyday. I will attract nothing but inspirational people in my life. So be it!

Spend Less Time On The Media: We live in a world that has a balance of good and bad. Unfortunately, the media is a hyperactive place for a lot of negative, superficial, distracting things. Sometimes less programming is better for our focus.

Pamper Yourself: Take care of your body. Join a gym. Eat healthier. Get a manicure or pedicure. Buy yourself flowers. Plant flowers in a local garden. Take a bubble bath. Get a massage. Listen to good music. All of these things help cater to a happier you.

We are ever changing so outside judgments and what others believe about us are usually reflections of themselves. You are only responsible for yourself. How you love others is how you love yourself. The company you keep is a reflection of how you love yourself. By doubting yourself  you miss out on believing in your potential. Renew your mind and experience the greater things in life that you wish to possess.

To everyone out there, please believe in yourself, love yourself, cherish yourself, respect yourself, and acknowledge the potential you possess. Without love, we would all continuously suffer. And remember, when life gives you lemons…