“Unless a man has been taught what to do with success after getting it, the achievement of it must inevitably leave him a prey to boredom.” – Bertrand Russell
Anyone who has been in a long term relationship understands that when the newness fades, things can seem redundant, monotonous, well, just simply… boring. As human beings we thrive off of adventure and discovery while seeking stability. For us stability feels safe and discovery feels exciting. Well how can we connect these two when we are in a long term relationship?
Furthermore, why do we become bored with someone we know and feel comfortable with? What causes boredom? Is it all in our head? Is it distress? Is it hormones? Is it our comfortability that enables us to be less interested in appreciating what it is we already feel certain we have?
Often times we don’t understand the reason we have become bored. We may potentially start to take out our negative emotions on our partner and make ourselves believe it may even be their fault. This is why we’ve created the emotions of “Loving Someone” and “Being In Love With Someone”. The feeling of being in love is when the dopamine, a neurotransmitter that causes feelings of pleasure and reward, is emitted in our brains. So there are chemical biological components that interact with the excitement we feel when we are discovering a new person for the first time. We can’t help it, we enjoy the newness and thrill of the chase.
After some time, people in long term relationships start losing interest and/or energy to try new and different things. Those who love their relationship but worry where the fire went can start to worry and get depressed. Other factors that cause boredom are feelings of distrust, arguments about money, sexual selfishness, or control, ego, and power. Boredom becomes a symptom of these negative circumstances and in turn, we lose the feeling of “Being In Love”. When you find yourself not wanting to give up, you will cling onto the fact that you love the other person although the spark is starting to fade or feels long gone.
So now that we know there are things that can easily make us bored, how can we fix this?
Appreciate The Love You Have: This is the first and foremost thing to remember. After feeling like we have won someones heart, it is so easy to completely give up because we feel confident they will never leave. Well you are in for a rude awakening, just because someone has been with you for a long time doesn’t mean they won’t leave and find someone better. Relationships will not include years of courtship unless you put in the effort. Now really sit and think, if that person really means something to you and you have great times together often, how would you feel if that person decides to leave you because they no longer find you fitting for them due to the lack of love given on your behalf of the relationship?
Be Happy: Never forget that you are your own person and that before you met your partner you had your own happiness as they had their own. Energy is contagious. If you have fear, doubt, and worry, it will show and those close to you will feel that energy. It is important that you do what makes you happy as long as the intention is good of course. Whether it is doing something spontaneous and adventurous, go out and do it. Inviting your partner can potentially make for a great day and can liven up your relationship. Remember, happiness starts from within and should not be controlled by others. The love you have for yourself, the happiness you create in your life, has nothing to do with anyone else. When your happiness is shared amongst others, it can make for great energy to be around.
Understanding The Joy Of Sex: Enjoyable sex influences the psychological aspect of a human being. Sex is a major concern for many people who find themselves bored in a relationship. Every person is different. A previous partner could have gotten great pleasure out of pleasing you and your new partner may only be interested in being pleased and less concerned with pleasing you. It is important to understand that love making is the physical communication of admiration you have for your partner. Sex is a spiritual and mental act which enhances the pleasure you feel while expressing your feelings physically to someone else. It is a lot like kissing. It is the art of touching to show someone love. Once you understand that sex is a joyous thing and should be expressed unselfishly, you get past the boring part, and enhance it by bringing a certain depth of appreciation and admiration. Speak openly to your partner if there are things you want to do to spice it up.
Let Go Of Old Wounds: So many of us revert to our childhood about the way we give love and receive it. We remember the way our parents loved each other and the way they loved us. Which means that every one has different associations with what love should feel and be like. We all grew up in different households. Some of us may have grown up with one parent and may have been neglected because that parent worked hard. After experiencing that, as an adult we may need and demand certain kinds of attention and affection from others. Maybe your parent spoiled you, and as an adult you believe love is the action of someone who buys you gifts. Either way, we must understand what our voids and intentions are when it comes to sharing love with another person. In order to understand what your wounds are and where they come from, one must have some downtime to think, read, or share with someone who may be wise and non judgmental on the subject.
Date Night: This is where the fun is. Spending quality time with your partner to share new experiences are both fun and enjoyable. The reason we enter a relationship is because we relate to the other person in some way. What was it that you two enjoyed doing so much? Try writing a variety of affordable ideal dates on pieces of paper and put it in a “Date Jar”, every week or twice a month, go into the date jar and pick out the date to be had. This can bring a sense of adventure, fulfillment, and pleasure. If you can think of anything better, then go for it.
Create New Conversations: Some people become afraid to express themselves beyond the initial “getting to know someone” phase. You should be comfortable with the one you love and be able and willing to discuss new things. If you find that you have run out of things to say, try asking hypothetical questions about the future or about the present. This can lead into doing something new together as a couple or even individually. You never know if perhaps your partner needed a boost to get out of depression. Try talking about cooking classes, or websites that encourage fun and interesting dates. Maybe you have thought about volunteering, playing a sport for fun or starting a garden together. Doing something new with your partner or encouraging them to try new things will invite change to the monotony and aide in keeping your partner feeling good about themselves.
Couples Therapy: The only way the heartbeat of a relationship can survive is if both people involved are willing to work at it. This is the true test of love. If you believe what you have is worth saving then it is best to find the right method for your relationships madness. If you think it would be easier to seek out therapy with your partner than be sure to feel comfortable enough to suggest this with your partner. In any committed relationship, comfort, security, honesty, and support is key. No one is too good for communication. Therapy can be extremely beneficial when both parties involved are dedicated to understanding each other and enhancing their relationship.
Stay True To Yourself: If both parties aren’t on the same page as far as making it work, or you know that you are ready to move on, that the person you are with isn’t the right fit for you, then you should be true to yourself, let go, and move forward. Everyone has the right to happiness and self discovery. Love is essential and being bored is a symptom that starts within our minds. Be good to each other.